Who directs your path?

Three days ago I was sitting down at my dining room table, doing my bible study and talking to God. I talk to Him as if He is sitting at the table with me. In fact, I often find myself looking up at "his" chair during our talks for an answer or confirmation. Not because I'm delusional, but simply because that's the relationship I have with God. Just like any kitchen table talk with your best friends or family, there is love acceptance, comfort, confidence, openness and so much more.

Love always protects, always loves, always perseveres. -I Cor. 13:7

I was looking for a scripture that I'd read earlier this week about the Tribulation. Specifically, the destruction and war that will take place. I am currently reading chapter 5 of "The Truth Behind Left Behind", and it referenced Rev 12:13-13:1. After reading the scripture I realized the similarities with information from the previous chapter about the destruction, and started looking for that section in the book to make the comparison.

The part I was looking for was concerning the destruction, the only thing I could find was about the Jewish people returning to Israel. I started at chapter 5 and flipped the pages backward to see if I could find it, but must have skipped it. So I started from the front and fanned the pages that way. Still no luck. Refilled my coffee and repeat. And again nothing. I knew this section was in here. Yet even when turning page by page, I could not even find the chapter I'd read yesterday. Maybe I am delusional, I thought, or maybe its something much more.

Closing the book and putting it on the table, I looked at the chair and asked, "What do you want me to read?". Since I couldn't find the chapter, much less the section, the destruction of Israel was clearly not what I was supposed to be reading today. Matthew popped in my mind. Matthew. So I picked the book back up to locate the scripture from Matthew. (I read it before the Revelation scripture that got this ball rolling.) As soon as I opened the book, I was looking at the charts giving information about the scripture related to the destruction of Israel. Wait, what? I turned one page at a time. This was what I was just looking for, that wasn't here, and here it is. I marked the place in the book, looked at the chair and burst out laughing, "Really?"

"Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance." -Proverbs 1:5

Almost immediately I felt the yearning to reach my hands over on the table in front of His chair, as if He was reaching out to hold my hands. I was quickly reminded of one other time in my life where I felt this very same yearning, of total openness to hear him and follow physical commends to move. To lay prostrate, commit to God and follow His commands, whatever they were.The first two I did. I can see myself now laying on the floor in prostrate for an endless time, pouring my heart out to God and asking for guidance. Yet when He gave it, I didn't follow. The worst mistake of my life followed, because while I wanted God to be with me, I wanted to direct the path I took.

My prayers didn't start immediately but they quickly became intense when they did. The content isn't important, but what happened in that next hour is. I started by telling God that I really wanted to be taken in the Rapture and to open my heart and eyes to see what I needed to clean out and get rid of. I ask for forgiveness for myself, and granted forgiveness to others. I prayed for my children and other family members and praised Him for healed relationships.

Then that same yearning returned, but this time to lay my head down on the table, in supplication, both in reverence and seeking comfort. It was as if He said for me to relax and let Him comfort me, by putting my head down and scooting in closer. His chair is at the end of the dining room table and mine to its right side. I moved up to the table, settled back, but didn't feel as if I'd gone far enough. I moved my chair down to the end of the table, settled and still felt the need to move closer. It wasn't until I had moved my chair completely around beside his, that I felt like where I was where I needed to be.

This is what the Lord says, "Stand in the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls." -Jeremiah 6:16

During this entire time, I felt no fear, just curiosity, with a rapid heartbeat of anticipation. As soon as I was settled in at the end of the table my breathing and heartbeat calmed immediately. There was such a peace. It was as if being with a parent who was praising you and boosting with pride. My hands were still as if they were holding his, but now supporting my head on the table. Just behind where my chair had been, was a window, which my body now faced. At the other end of the table was a another window. Early morning and the sun coming through the windows. Surrounded by the love of God.

At some point, I envisioned Anthony standing in the opposite corner, to the left of the other window. I immediately wanted to lift my head and looked at him, but felt almost a pat on the head, as if to say "be still". It was not like he was actually in the dining room. The vision was just over there. He was so tall handsome, with that big enveloping smile, standing at the end of a path. He was standing next to an old wooden gate, next to this path, in the midst of a beautiful field. The field extended to his right, and the path went behind him into a patch of a beautifully flowered meadow. I willed him to talk to me. and I wanted so badly to sit up and talk to him, but kept feeling the pat of the hand and "be still". I looked around at the field and flowers, wondering about that gate, when I looked back at him and saw that he'd been joined by daddy and Briceson. There they all stood. Smiling. Briceson appeared to be in the range of 18-24 months, and was held by my dad. I could see hid little face just giggling. But I couldn't hear him. At one point he lifted his little arm a bit, as if to wave. What a precious sight! I looked at them for several minutes before I began to wonder what separated us. Expecting a cliff, I looked in front of them to find it wasn't there. When I looked back, they looked amused. Thinking of Lazarus, and looking for a second time, I was sure to see a cloudy, endless abyss. But that wasn't the case either. I can't really recall what I saw, other than three laughing faces as I peered back at them sheepishly.

After some time, somehow they left the field. What an honor this was to see and interact with them. And yet, the Gideon in me wanted some kind of a signal to know that this really happened. Just anything, God that will be a signal, that it was real. Within seconds, the top part of my thighs started to tingle. Not like pins and needles, falling asleep, and not my entire leg, just the top part. And just long enough to catch my attention. Even as I'm writing these very lines, that tingling sensation is back. Thank you , God, I'm listening.

Gideon replied, "If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you." And the Lord said, "I will wait until you return." -Judges 6:17

I stayed where I was, and my prayer returned to God opening my eyes to what I needed to clean up in my life. People and events were played out in front of me, in real time living color. Each of these would provoke an emotion on my part: anger, shame, fear, regret. These were things I'd put behind me and were someone's fault, and I certainly didn't want to relive them. They became more vivid in color and bigger to view. I even begged for them to stop. But as the scenes became more and the emotions began to compound, so did the realization of my guilt in each circumstance. This horror of replaying the failures and sins in my life wouldn't stop until I acknowledged my guilt in each circumstance. These feelings that brought back sobs of brokenness had to be replayed for me to realize that the anguish I felt or my past was nothing compared to the agony Christ endured on the cross for me. But I didn't want to admit my guilt, even though I knew that God knew I was guilty and He was right here with me. The shame of that just compounded the matter. My sobs were accompanied by labored breathing and rapid heartbeat. I knew I had to own my guilt. As each scene was replayed, I acknowledged my guilt and asked the person involved for forgiveness. It was as if the bubbles on a bubble sheet were popping as I went through each one with God. I even extended forgiveness in so many cases and begged the Holy Spirit to fill each of those burst bubbles in my heart and mind with love, compassion, patience, discernment, slow temperament...the list continued. And I also asked that each time one of those people or events came to mind, that I would instantly remember this encounter and remember the new emotion replaced by the Holy Spirit. This too was a very long and intense process. (Even as I write this, several of those things are going through my mind. What would have immediately been a tense emotion reaction and instead of fear or anger, it is peace and a sense of calm. No emotional attachment, and a sense of just someone I used to know. How glorious is our God!)

For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil. -I Peter 3:12

In the calmness after this healing and restoration, I realized my body position had not changed since the time I laid my head down. I noticed my breathing was calm once again and thought to myself that I could fall asleep in the arms of Jesus. The one who had held me through that and given me the gift of seeing my love, my son and my dad. What a safe, secure feeling! I wondered if there was more to discover, but did not ask. However, the word pretentious came to mind. What? Pretentious. I don't understand. I heard then"Your rings are pretentious. Take them off." My rings? No its not like that. "Take them off." But you don't understand, they have a meaning. "Take them off!" They tell a story. "TAKE THEM OFF!" They tell me.......SATAN! Get out! you are not welcome in this room, this home around my children. Go back to the depths of hell where you belong! "Oh he's tricky" I told God. Yes, but you saw right through him, was what I heard back. God and I continued to talk; about my rings, my children and other things. I absolutely praised Him for this experience, then sheepishly admitted my shoulder was falling asleep.

As much as I didn't want to move, I knew it was time. I immediately started writing down details so I wouldn't forget. Two days ago I was overwhelmed with the idea to start this webpage. And here we are. Thanks for coming along. Please pray that God will use this to His purpose. I don't know how to get it out to the masses, but God does. Yesterday it was launched, today no views, but my own...I'll keep you posted on how God uses this.